I’ve been wondering for a while now if I’m normal.  (Well, okay, I know I’m not normal, but one particular area has me hoping there is someone else like me.)  It’s too easy to keep our issues in the dark and never talk about them, but perhaps by me acknowledging my struggle, we will both find out we’re not alone.

So here goes….

At least half of the time I put on mascara, I feel an overwhelming need to sneeze immediately after.  ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE?  I know it sounds super weird.  And maybe it is.  (Hence, me needing to know if this happens to anyone else.) Do I just have strangely sensitive eyelashes that evoke the sneezing response when tampered with?  Or is this the plight of gals everywhere?

But here’s the REAL issue.  How can I simultaneously oh-so-very-much want to DO something and NOT do something all at the same time??  Because you know what it’s like when you feel a sneeze coming on and it never comes out.  It’s like trying to be on a diet in December.  It feels all wrong.  So trying to suppress a sneeze?  Unthinkable.  The only occasion I can think would warrant that course of action is when I have to sneeze and I’ve just gotten an adorable, yet stubborn baby to sleep.  Ain’t no way I’m letting out a sneeze then.

On the other hand, you can imagine (if I’m the strange one and this has never happened to you) what would happen if you sneezed directly after applying mascara.  It’s not cute.  At best, it requires some spit bathing and possibly a little extra cover up.  At worst, it means doing your make-up completely over when you can’t get the black specks around your eyes to disappear enough to look normal.

I want to let out the sneeze SO MUCH. Repressing it is so uncomfortable.  I want to not sneeze SO MUCH.  Letting it out means disaster on my face.  Two opposite choices that I REALLY want all at the same time.  Can you relate?

Perhaps not with my recurring sneeze and mascara dilemma.  But with anything else in your life?  I can.

I really want to show my kids patience.  I really want to let them know how angry I am.

I really want that chocolate cake.  I really want to lose weight.

I really want to use my time well.  I really want to zone out and check Facebook.

I really want to spend money wisely.  I really want to buy a Target cart full of things I’m sure I need but didn’t know it before setting foot in the store.

I really want to play with my kids.  I really want to clean my house.

I really want to eat the jar of Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter all in one sitting.  I really want to….want to…(um…never mind. I’ve got nothing.  I want to eat the Cookie Butter.)

I really want to get to bed at a decent time.  I really want to watch one more episode of (insert latest Netflix obsession here).

I really want to show my husband grace.  I really want him to “see” how upset I am.

I really want to sleep a few extra minutes.  I really want quality time in God’s Word.

 

Any of those sound a little familiar?

^“15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”       Romans 7:15-19

 If you read these verses quickly, it may seem like Paul himself is super confused.  Perhaps he’s had too many nights on a cold hard jail cell.  But if you slow it down, boy does it resonate.  There is a war waging in us.  Daily.  Hourly.  Minutely.   Not all of my examples of opposite desire above include one sinful and one righteous choice.  Sometimes we simply have to choose what is BEST.  Other times, many times, there is a very real battle between my sinful nature and the nature of the Holy Spirit living in me.  Some sins are easy for me to say no to and walk away from.   Many create a struggle between 2 things I desperately want.  It makes me so aware of how much life there still is in my “old nature”.  Gratefully, it also reminds me of the power of the Holy Spirit and his constant nudging to do what is right.

Sometimes my Spirit indwelt -self wins.  Far too often my sinful -self wins.  I understand more and more the immense importance of putting to death my sinful nature!  As long as it has life – as long as I GIVE it life by feeding it with my sinful choices – the more difficult and more frequent my battles are.  If I can feed my Spirit self and starve my sinful self, the choices to do right become much easier.

Here’s what Paul says a few verses later:

^“5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶ The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:5-6

I simply need to stop and decide what it is I desire MOST.  Maybe not even right here in the moment, but for the long term.  What do I REALLY want?  Even though right now chocolate cake sounds good, later I want my pants to fit.  Even though right now yelling feels good, later I want my kids to have a kind, patient, godly example of handling anger and frustration before them.   Far too often lately I’ve been giving in to the easier in the now choice and it’s time to turn my heart toward discipline and yield to the Spirit.

I yearn to have my “mind set on what the Spirit desires”.  I desire “life and peace”.   I crave a life controlled by the Spirit.  When two opposite desires rise up in me and one is sin and one is righteous, I want to choose righteousness.

So I think that from now on no matter how good it feels to sneeze in the moment, I need to do the hard work of keeping that sneeze in.  My face will thank me.  Perhaps if I continue to hold the sneeze in, I can retrain my crazy eyelashes into a new normal.  We do not sneeze post-mascara.  Period.  Nor do we even have the desire to do so.  Got it lashes?

And as I continue to face the difficult choices each day brings and face the waging war of my sinful self and Spirit self, I pray I will choose the right choice more often than the gratifying choice.  As I learn to listen to the Spirit’s nudges and obey, my sinful nature will gradually lose traction and strength.

The struggle is real friends.  And I know I’m not alone.  May you find life and peace as your sinful-self dies a little more each day and the Spirit in you works toward righteousness.