2 letters we read to our son tonight before he starts Kindergarten tomorrow:

Dear Nathaniel,

Tomorrow is a really big day.  We’ve all been waiting and excited for this day for a while.  Tomorrow you will start Kindergarten!  We are so glad you are excited and looking forward to it.  We know you will love it and do amazing.

There are a few important things we want you to know as you take this big step of growing up.

First, school is such a GIFT.  There are a lot of kids all over the world who don’t get to go to school.  Ever.  They wish so much they could learn the things you will and sit in a classroom like you will.  Please don’t forget that learning and being in school is a privilege and a gift.  Treat it like a special gift every day.

Learning is one of the most important and powerful things you can do.  Learning helps us grow, understand, and opens up the world to us.  As your parents, we try to always keep learning and we hope you will always love to learn.  Listen to your teacher.  She has a lot of important lessons for you this year and she wants you to be your best.  She is always on your team.

However, learning from your teacher and books is not the only important thing about school.  We hope at school that you will also learn the important lessons of being kind and a friend to everyone.  Especially those who could use a friend the most.  You will see kids being left out or lonely.  Invite them to play or sit with you.

We hope when you’re at school that you will learn to be brave – to keep trying when something is hard or when you fail at it.  Try new things, try until you get it right, and be brave enough to always be yourself.

We want you to learn to always choose the right thing.  Sometimes, everyone else will seem to choose the wrong thing – maybe it’s teasing someone else, leaving someone out, or fooling around when the teacher is talking.  School will help teach you to choose the right thing even when you are the only one doing it.  This will also require bravery!

No matter what, always remember that we love you more than you could possibly imagine.  We are already so proud of you and nothing you do or don’t do at school will change that.  And always remember that even when we aren’t with you  – Jesus is.  He will be right there with you each moment of every day at school because you carry Him in your heart.  He will help you be brave and kind and stand up for what’s right.  He will remind you that you are loved just as you are and that you can give His love to others.

We know you are going to LOVE school Nathaniel.  It is fun and challenging and new and adventurous.  You are thoughtful, smart, happy, loving, and a good friend.  It’s going to be an amazing year of school!

Go get em kiddo! We love you with all our hearts.

Love,

Mom (and Dad)

 

My Son,

I am so proud of you all the time. Tomorrow when you go to kindergarten, it may be exciting, fun, maybe a bit new, or maybe a bit scary. But, you are ready for it and you need to know that your Mom and I will be cheering for you, just like we do at baseball and soccer.

Going to Kindergarten definitely means you are officially a big boy. You have had a great time in your two pre-school classes and now you are moving up to **** where all the big kids go. Part of that means going to school every day and probably some more homework. That might take some time to adjust to, for you and for Mommy. It will be a good change for you though because you love to be around your friends and you love to learn, both things that make your parents happy.

When you go to Kindergarten, I want you to remember who you are and whose you are. What that means is that you need to always remember you are Nathaniel Shevlin and you belong to us and to God.

Being Nathaniel Shevlin says that you are a kind, smart, giving, funny boy who knows what is right and wrong. You do things because you know what you should do, things you have learned at home, school and church. Other kids may behave differently, but Nathaniel Shevlin obeys his teacher without complaining, treats everyone fairly, uses appropriate words and is a friend to everyone, even if they don’t seem friendly at first. You ask really good questions and you want to understand how and why things work. You care about sharing Jesus with your friends and neighbors. That is just part of how God made you and how we have raised you to be. These are all things we want to see you do at your new school because they matter to our Shevlin family and to God. You are our boy and as a Christian, you are God’s child. They will not have an “I see Jesus” award, but we still want to hear from you about ways you showed Jesus.

You also need to know that every other kid is feeling some excitement and some scary just like you. Everyone is hoping to have a new friend. The best way to make new friends is to be brave and be kind with everyone you meet. You never know who your new best friend might be.

We are really excited for you and all the new experiences you will have this year. We want to hear all about it when you get home. You are going to do great! We love you from here to Antarctica and back.

Love,

Dad (and Mom)

And the one that’s just for mommy’s heart:

My Dearest Boy,

Tomorrow is a really big day.  Tomorrow you will start Kindergarten.

I am so grateful that you are completely excited.  There is not an ounce of nervousness or fear in you.  You are so brave and life is a big adventure to you.  I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about your heart tomorrow.

Just mine.

It’s not that I don’t want you to go to school.  I always loved school and I know you’ll love it too.  There are so many new friendships and learning and adventures in store.  And you, my boy, will eat it all up with your enthusiasm, boundless energy, and extroverted nature.

I have no doubt whatsoever that you will succeed in school.  You are a fast learner and you already have so many great skills.  I am confident that you will make friends.  You have always been well liked and you are kind and friendly to everyone.

So why is it the very thought of Kindergarten makes mommy’s stomach twist into knots, heart clench tight, and tears spring into her eyes?  Simply because it’s an end and a beginning.  And both are really really hard.

It’s the end of a season – a very precious all too short season where I was able to be a stay at home mommy to my 3 sweet boys who were all still in the nest.  Yes, I will still be a stay at home mom, but having you in school means we lose our mornings to be together.  Lazy mornings where we don’t get dressed until midday, slow starts, breakfast whenever we want, maybe running an errand or two, maybe a quick trip to the park.  I no longer have all my children at home full time and that feels very very different.  It’s a loss of many of our freedoms as a little family and an ending of having toddlers/preschoolers at home.  Now I have an elementary school student. And that’s a very different kind of season.  It’s the end of not being rushed in the mornings and having days to do whatever we choose.

It’s also a beginning.  The first letting go of my kids.  You will now have another significant adult influence in your life outside of Daddy and I.  You will be with your teacher 5 days a week for a few hours – no other adult has had that kind of regular place of influence.  It’s a beginning step of sending you off into the world without me, letting you spread your wings, even if just a bit.  It’s the beginning of a whole new world and what feels like a speeding freight train that we’ll never step off of again.  Once you start school, you’ll be in school for the next 17 years or so.  And each stage of those years means a little more independence from you, a little more growing up, a little more letting go.

Every new season of parenting brings joy and hardship.  I am so happy and excited for all that’s coming your way my boy.  But mama needs to grieve a bit over what once was, and what will never be again.  I will proudly watch you walk into your classroom tomorrow with head held high and a spring in your step.  But if I brush away tears as you do so, please understand.   It’s only because I’m so very glad you’re mine and wish I could hold onto you forever.  Going to school means learning for us both – in my case, it’s learning to let go.

All my love, forever and always,

Mommy

 

 

 

Invitations are so exciting aren’t they?  Weddings, birthday parties, bridal or baby showers, or even the request of your presence at a simple gathering with friends can bring excitement and delight.  It means an opportunity to celebrate, get out of the daily routine, and to be with family and friends. But have you ever received an invitation to stay in your own house?  Or to eat dinner at your own table?  Probably not.

This backwards seeming invitation is the one I received a couple weeks ago. I wonder if, like me, that’s the invitation you need the most.

Many of you know I recently attended the  She Speaks Conference put on by  Proverbs 31 Ministries in Charlotte, North Carolina.  It’s a Christian women’s conference for speakers and writers (or speaker and writer wannabes like me).

I couldn’t tell you how or when I first heard about this conference,  only from the moment I knew of its existence a few years ago, it has been a dream to attend.  And it definitely felt like a dream – not the close, in reach kind, but the once-in-a-lifetime-if-only-someday kind.  For some reason, I gave it actual consideration this year and continually felt God was telling me to go.  Even though in a lot of ways it seemed like a crazy idea to entertain, I kept feeling the nudge.  My hesitations and indecisiveness meant I was within the last 100 women to sign up for the 800 attendee conference.  And at the time of the conference there were 1000 on the waiting list!  I am incredibly humbled I was able to attend.  In the months following, I received several confirmations and provisions, continuing to make it clear this was God’s leading for me.

Y’all. (I can say that.  I was just in the south.)

It was SO GOOD.  (Which actually just scratches the surface describing this incredible experience.)

My number one prayer going into She Speaks is God would give me direction/confirmation in my calling and I would hear his voice clearly.

Oh my.

Was he ever clear.

I am impressed with God’s ability to speak the same message to me over and over throughout the course of 3 days and numerous different speakers and session subjects.  He’s clever like that isn’t He?

Here is just a sampling of the wisdom spoken with God’s prevailing message for me:

“Build a life that is slow, durable, and beautiful.

You get to determine the SIZE of your life.

We too often buy into the myth that image matters more than content.  That what you put out there is more important than what goes in your heart.”

1 Thessalonians 4:7  God hasn’t invited us into a disorderly, unkempt life but into something holy and beautiful—as beautiful on the inside as the outside. (The Message)

Shauna Niequist

“Your yes today unleashes God’s yes for tomorrow.

Ask God what his definition of ministry is for you.”

Whitney Capps

 

 

“The tweaking of us by God in the quiet is the saving of us in public.”

Lysa TerKeurst

“God used a woman (Ruth) who made a commitment and stuck it all the way  through to fulfill a great promise. (being part of the lineage of Jesus)”

Nicki Koziarz

 

“Chase the Dream maker, not the dream.

Exchange growing your influence to growing your obedience.

Focus on your daily assignment.

Embrace your season and trust God’s timing.”

Alicia Bruxvoort

 

“What can I do to bring you joy today Lord?”

Suzie Eller

See the common theme?  What I expected was firm direction on next steps.  What I received was affirmation to lean in where I already am.  Instead of coming home with a desire to run and do and create and push (like I was anticipating), I returned with a quiet steadiness fully content to live my daily life well.  I feel a renewed call not to expand my ministry, but to expand my soul. Now is the time to build firm groundwork for my heart and family that will translate to a sturdy foundation for future ministry.  I can’t grow healthy branches without healthy roots.  My current assignment is to cultivate my relationship with the Lord and minister to my family in ways that matter most.

Yet at the same time, I feel more sure of this call to speak and write than ever .  Even though I felt way out of my league at She Speaks (so many incredible and accomplished women!), I still felt God’s voice saying “this is what I have for you”.  However, the intended path is long and the scheduled movements will be slow and deliberate.  And I am rejoicing in that.  I so look forward to what God is going to teach me in the days, weeks, months and years to come.  I’m excited about being refined and growing.  I am hopeful my best ministry can be to my family and raising godly sons.

God has a lot of work to do IN me so he can work THROUGH me.  He is so gracious to remind me that my most important work is the work directly in front of me and to give me incredible passion for staying put to do it.

Let’s look again at the verse Shauna Niequist used in her message:

1 Thessalonians 4:7  God hasn’t invited us into a disorderly, unkempt life but into something holy and beautiful—as beautiful on the inside as the outside. (The Message)

He is inviting me into his precious presence and offering more of Himself. I am invited into a life that’s beautiful on the inside – to the very deepest places of my soul. I can’t imagine a greater invitation.

 

This is a Blog Hop!  Click the link below to read about other She Speaks attendees experiences and recaps of what God taught these amazing ladies.

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I’ve been wondering for a while now if I’m normal.  (Well, okay, I know I’m not normal, but one particular area has me hoping there is someone else like me.)  It’s too easy to keep our issues in the dark and never talk about them, but perhaps by me acknowledging my struggle, we will both find out we’re not alone.

So here goes….

At least half of the time I put on mascara, I feel an overwhelming need to sneeze immediately after.  ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE?  I know it sounds super weird.  And maybe it is.  (Hence, me needing to know if this happens to anyone else.) Do I just have strangely sensitive eyelashes that evoke the sneezing response when tampered with?  Or is this the plight of gals everywhere?

But here’s the REAL issue.  How can I simultaneously oh-so-very-much want to DO something and NOT do something all at the same time??  Because you know what it’s like when you feel a sneeze coming on and it never comes out.  It’s like trying to be on a diet in December.  It feels all wrong.  So trying to suppress a sneeze?  Unthinkable.  The only occasion I can think would warrant that course of action is when I have to sneeze and I’ve just gotten an adorable, yet stubborn baby to sleep.  Ain’t no way I’m letting out a sneeze then.

On the other hand, you can imagine (if I’m the strange one and this has never happened to you) what would happen if you sneezed directly after applying mascara.  It’s not cute.  At best, it requires some spit bathing and possibly a little extra cover up.  At worst, it means doing your make-up completely over when you can’t get the black specks around your eyes to disappear enough to look normal.

I want to let out the sneeze SO MUCH. Repressing it is so uncomfortable.  I want to not sneeze SO MUCH.  Letting it out means disaster on my face.  Two opposite choices that I REALLY want all at the same time.  Can you relate?

Perhaps not with my recurring sneeze and mascara dilemma.  But with anything else in your life?  I can.

I really want to show my kids patience.  I really want to let them know how angry I am.

I really want that chocolate cake.  I really want to lose weight.

I really want to use my time well.  I really want to zone out and check Facebook.

I really want to spend money wisely.  I really want to buy a Target cart full of things I’m sure I need but didn’t know it before setting foot in the store.

I really want to play with my kids.  I really want to clean my house.

I really want to eat the jar of Trader Joe’s Cookie Butter all in one sitting.  I really want to….want to…(um…never mind. I’ve got nothing.  I want to eat the Cookie Butter.)

I really want to get to bed at a decent time.  I really want to watch one more episode of (insert latest Netflix obsession here).

I really want to show my husband grace.  I really want him to “see” how upset I am.

I really want to sleep a few extra minutes.  I really want quality time in God’s Word.

 

Any of those sound a little familiar?

^“15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.”       Romans 7:15-19

 If you read these verses quickly, it may seem like Paul himself is super confused.  Perhaps he’s had too many nights on a cold hard jail cell.  But if you slow it down, boy does it resonate.  There is a war waging in us.  Daily.  Hourly.  Minutely.   Not all of my examples of opposite desire above include one sinful and one righteous choice.  Sometimes we simply have to choose what is BEST.  Other times, many times, there is a very real battle between my sinful nature and the nature of the Holy Spirit living in me.  Some sins are easy for me to say no to and walk away from.   Many create a struggle between 2 things I desperately want.  It makes me so aware of how much life there still is in my “old nature”.  Gratefully, it also reminds me of the power of the Holy Spirit and his constant nudging to do what is right.

Sometimes my Spirit indwelt -self wins.  Far too often my sinful -self wins.  I understand more and more the immense importance of putting to death my sinful nature!  As long as it has life – as long as I GIVE it life by feeding it with my sinful choices – the more difficult and more frequent my battles are.  If I can feed my Spirit self and starve my sinful self, the choices to do right become much easier.

Here’s what Paul says a few verses later:

^“5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶ The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:5-6

I simply need to stop and decide what it is I desire MOST.  Maybe not even right here in the moment, but for the long term.  What do I REALLY want?  Even though right now chocolate cake sounds good, later I want my pants to fit.  Even though right now yelling feels good, later I want my kids to have a kind, patient, godly example of handling anger and frustration before them.   Far too often lately I’ve been giving in to the easier in the now choice and it’s time to turn my heart toward discipline and yield to the Spirit.

I yearn to have my “mind set on what the Spirit desires”.  I desire “life and peace”.   I crave a life controlled by the Spirit.  When two opposite desires rise up in me and one is sin and one is righteous, I want to choose righteousness.

So I think that from now on no matter how good it feels to sneeze in the moment, I need to do the hard work of keeping that sneeze in.  My face will thank me.  Perhaps if I continue to hold the sneeze in, I can retrain my crazy eyelashes into a new normal.  We do not sneeze post-mascara.  Period.  Nor do we even have the desire to do so.  Got it lashes?

And as I continue to face the difficult choices each day brings and face the waging war of my sinful self and Spirit self, I pray I will choose the right choice more often than the gratifying choice.  As I learn to listen to the Spirit’s nudges and obey, my sinful nature will gradually lose traction and strength.

The struggle is real friends.  And I know I’m not alone.  May you find life and peace as your sinful-self dies a little more each day and the Spirit in you works toward righteousness.